Adventures of Yesterday

Three in the morning comes too soon the day after Thanksgiving. Its as if the body is still processing the three pounds of delicious turkey and creamy mash potatoes that I had three servings of. My mom said not to have three, but since when do I listen to her when it comes to her homemade mashed potatoes? My body is still in a food coma. I could nap for days. But, with the three alarms I had set shrieking at their highest volume, food coma had to be put on hold and aggressive barbaric woman was activated. All I needed was a chai tea latte and my Ugg boots and I knew what I had to do: Black Friday.

Now, this is not Rebecca Black Friday, although it does have a few similarities: it makes you aggressive and want to punch someone, once you are apart of it once it is hard to not do again, and it is on a Friday, which happens to be the best day of the week and Ms. Black’s favorite day that makes her look forward to the weekend. With Black Friday, there is no looking forward to the weekend. It is looking forward 30 days to Christmas. The whole year rests on this single day. Thanksgiving is the day that gives women of all ages the energy and nerve to shop on such crazy level of skill and aggression. After all the nostalgic family and cornucopia of stuffing and cranberry sauce, women all around need a bold excuse to take out their anger for over-eating and inviting their in-laws. Who could blame them? Black Friday was created for women, just like Modern Warfare 3 was created for man. It is a day dedicated to shopping and blowing money that they don’t have (or do, but exaggerate the fact.) It is a day to take out their aggression and to show dominance. Its the cave man’s way of gaining new territory, except in a more modern, American tradition: Go big or GO THE FUCK home. 

What is even more ironic about this day (besides the Rebecca Black reference) is that America is the only country that does this. A single day is set aside to increase personal debt, hurt fellow civilians, and cause havoc all around. There is nothing more American than that. Sure, you may have gotten that sweater for $5 instead of $35, but seriously lady, who did you have to kill for it? Don’t get me wrong, I am a full participant in the Black Friday festivities, but I am more than aware of the more harm it does than good. The intensity level of such a day has risen significantly since I was a young one learning the tools of the trade from my mother. She began simple: purchasing socks at Fred Meyer. (Let me tell you, they are killer deals just for the record!) Then, graduating slowing, we reached Walmart status, Target, Kohl’s, and soon I found myself at the ripe age of 18 at the mall at three in the morning. It was a test of my skill! But, as I grew older, the times set back further and women got more evil. Women shoved harder and hit faster. The mall no longer opened at 3AM, but midnight! Walmart opened at 10PM, crossing into Thanksgiving territory! It was not so much the intensity of pushing other women for the last pair of shoes on the rack that don’t fit, but the times that places were opening. It was forcing me to get up earlier and sacrifice my holiday with my family (okay, sacrifice is an over-exaggeration….) What ever happened to the American holiday dedicated to giving thanks to our country and getting fat? We were now giving thanks to our credit cards, husbands, the scams we ran to make sure we had enough money, friends, lucky lotto numbers, boyfriends, and mother-in-laws that we milked for working so hard the past two weeks so we could blow it in a few hours. The radical change has definitely surprised me. If I want to stand in line at a local store, let’s use Best Buy for example, I better get up early Thanksgiving Day and stand there until 12AM, otherwise I won’t be guaranteed anything! What kind of message does that send?

I won’t be surprised if next year places open at 6PM. But, at that point, it would seem that Black Friday has lost its purpose, along with Thanksgiving. Hell, this year there were “Pre Black Friday” sales going on. All I wanted to say was “What the fuck.”

But, I do digress. No matter what the time is, I still have intentions of getting up for those killer deals. And, I am more than certain that I am not the only one willing to wait outside of Old Navy for extremely warm and cheap jackets. You’d be insane not to.